Bold Brilliant Beautiful You | What I Need…

by Jennifer Cooper, posted on March 27th, 2014 in Bold Brilliant Beautiful You

It’s the end of the month and here I am writing a response to March’s Bold Brilliant Beautiful You challenge. I’ve known about it since February and yet, I’ve sat on it. More honestly, I’ve avoided it.

When I started out on this BBBY project, I was filled with enthusiasm. I’ve always like the start of projects. I keep dozens of notebooks filled with ideas for projects I’ll never finish. I would be embarrassed, but I’ve come to a place in my life where I refused to feel ashamed for that sort of thing anymore.

Honestly, I think on some level, I don’t execute these projects because I lack the time and resources, but because I don’t want to sully them. When things are an idea, they’re crisp and beautiful. There’s no one saying, “That won’t work because x, y and z!” before you’ve even started. They’re a beautiful blank canvas you just know is going to be filled with the most amazing, incredible painting ever. For me, it’s the potential.

Now I view the process of generating ideas that will never become more than a list on paper as an exciting exercise just for me.

I guess what I’m saying is, the reality of this project has finally hit and I’ve been running from it. The truth is, I see this prompt as asking for help. And that’s something I rarely, bordering on never, do.

Don’t get me wrong, I see no shame in others asking for help. I love it when people ask me! It makes me feel useful! Honestly. It’s why I do what I do! I think the world would be a far better place if we all just said what we needed. I’m not sure if it’s a American thing (we are a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps country), it’s a woman thing (we haven’t always been conditioned to speak up), or if it’s just a personality thing (being a fiercely stubborn type). Whatever the cause, it’s a shame. Of course I say that as someone who is part of that shame.

But there’s a sense of security that comes with thinking you can do it all on your own. It’s false security sure, but even false security feels like the real thing until it crumbles. By thinking you can do it on your own, you don’t have to let anyone get too close. They never see the cracks in the armor.

And let’s be honest, there’s good, solid historical reason for not exposing those cracks; those parts of you that are soft and tender and when hit can inflict great pain. They’re what the opponent aims for.

But the question becomes, who am I fighting?

And it’s not just fear that keeps me from saying what I need, it’s the commitment that comes with it. Once I speak those words, I need, put them out into the universe, there’s no turning back. If I say, “I need to break up with social media” or “I need to make a living,” I better pony up. You can’t just say you need to eat healthier and expect it to happen without any kind of investment. It takes work. Wants and needs are two different things. Wants are wishes. Needs require work.

So today, I’m finally pushing through the fear and anxiety I feel. I have no idea in what form the answers to my needs will come, or if they will come at all. But this list has been on my mind for some time now. It even keeps me up at night. I’ll be honest, it’s very personal and very long, so you might want to skip it.

Deep breath…

I need to make an income. This blog has been amazing on a personal level and has taught me so much professionally. It basically kept me sane as a stay-at-home mom and helped me sharpen my skills. But it’s a lot to maintain and there are costs to maintaining it. And while it’s lead to some nice, high-profile outside jobs working for PBS, Disney, etc, I still haven’t earned a living wage since I left the “real” workforce even though I put in more than 40 hours a week.

I need space to think. For me this means stepping away from social media and carving out a physical space of my own. We live in a tiny house. Dave and I both work in it. If I’m going to continue writing, drawing and publishing, I need a space where I can think without distraction. Truthfully, I didn’t realize how much of a loner I was until I had young kids. I really, really need my alone time without noise from others in order to function. I am incredibly cranky when I don’t get it.

I need a team OR I need to accept I can’t do it all and make adjustments. The problem with having a team to help you run things is that you also need to pay them. I have so many ideas for this space—videos, writing workshops for kids, classes that help parents bridge the gap between school and home (and make learning fun and not a complete stress-fest of testing)… I see a whole audience of parents, like me, who aren’t yet ready to yank their kids from the school system but also recognize their kids aren’t learning anything during all the standardized testing. They’d like to give their kids some meaningful activities they can do outside of school. Of course, all of that takes people and money. And while I have no trouble running a non-profit, it’s the world from whence I came, I need to make enough to put food on our table. I need to make sure the people helping make enough to put food on their tables too.

I need to commit to a direction/job title. I have been extremely lucky to work on so many amazing projects in my time. I’ve created this space, produced a video series, written for some powerhouse family brands and I’ve just recently taken on my first design client. (Super excited about that one!) And that’s all just the online stuff. I have a whole history before that of speaking at universities, developing internship programs, staffing large teams, and teaching. But I’ve never been able to leverage that into something more sustainable. I want to make a go of this site, but I won’t do it by selling my soul.

I need to stop fearing that I’m not relatable. To be honest, I don’t care to be anymore. I won’t change things about me to make you like me more. I’d just end up disappointing us both. I hope that you find me to be a kind and thoughtful person. But if I stress you out, or cause you roll your eyes, it’s okay. We can part ways. I say that out of absolute respect for both of us. I hope you find someone who makes you feel passionate about the things you want to feel passion for. There’s room enough for all of us in this world.

I need someone to clean my house. But then again, don’t we all.

Now if you’re feeling up to it, tell me something that you need. While potentially anxiety inducing, there’s great power in speaking the words. I’d love to hear your voice.

About the Bold Brilliant Beautiful You project:

Throughout the year, I’m joining forces with some of my blogging friends to motivate and encourage ourselves and others to be bold and step out from behind the lens, projects, and mama status to show ourselves. That’s right, we’re doing something just for us.

And we’re inviting you to join us! Each of us has something bold, brilliant and beautiful inside—whether it’s a dream to ask for a promotion, wear those sparkly shoes in the back of our closet, or start a non-profit. The #boldbeautifulbrilliant project is a support group for all of us seeking to be real and vulnerable. No judging, no questions, just support and words of encouragement.